| To "Shnodda-nas" |
Sometime ago, reflecting on the fact that I was my father's first child, I wondered what my Dad was thinking about, what was on his mind when he knew he was about to become a father. Strange thing is, I don't ever remember asking him. And as one who has a terrible memory, I don't expect him to remember what was on his mind either. But if my child ever wonders...
Right now, I don't know your gender, Shnodda-nas. And that's why your Mom and I call you "Shnodda-nas". It's a low-german phrase that literally means "snot-nose," but the phrase itself is translated as "a young know-it-all". It fits well for a number of reasons. One, you will be a snot-nosed kid. Two, you'll take after your Mom and Dad who from time to time think they know-it-all.
I'll probably tell you more reasons for this name later, but for now I want to tell you something else... Before you were born your father was scared. VERY EXCITED, and scared. You see, for the most part, your father had previously learned to get used to the idea of never being a father. And your mother respected what your father had learned, but you'll soon find out that your mother also has a way of influencing people in good ways.
Traditionally, the father is known as the "provider". He alone is expected to be career oriented, good with finances, and ambitiously pursuing the financial success that can secure a fortunate future for his children. Well, I'm not that guy. I work so your mother and I have a place to live, food to eat, but making a lot of money for your mother (and a child) is not a high priority of mine. So, I came to the conclusion that I was not interested in the things fathers should be interested in.
And in the past, when I saw fathers with their children, disciplining them, being someone their kids can rely on to solve all their problems, I thought, "I am so unqualified to be a father." I still wondered what it would be like, though. Now and then, I daydreamed about it. And one day, after daydreaming about it, I asked your mother to be open with me exactly what she felt about the idea of having a child.
While revealing to me it was among her heart's greatest desires, she revealed something else, something very important to me. She revealed to me how she saw me as a father. She believed I would be a wonderful father. We continued to talk about it from then on. Your mother was so good to not pressure your father to have children. And when I continued to daydream about what it would be like to have a child, I began to believe... I began to believe I could be good for you.
I began to believe that I had something to offer you, something special, something that no one else could give you. I began to believe that you would be able to rely on me. I began to believe, that even though I wouldn't be a perfect father, I would be one that would convince you that you are loved more than life itself. I began to believe that I had so much love for you, that I would do what matters, what you need to grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
So, with this new vision of my potential as a father, I thought seriously about whether I wanted to be one or not. It was not a matter of weighing the "pros and cons". Instead, it was a matter of who I was. I discovered that the idea of me having a child feels right. I discovered that it seemed natural to pursue fatherhood. I told your mother, and together, we decided to pursue you. And right now, as I write these words, you're in Mommy's belly!
Shnodda-nas, I want to tell you that while we were with a bunch of friends last night, your mother held a child in her arms. And when I looked at her, I thought what I saw was so beautiful, so natural, but there was something that seemed to be missing. That's right, it was you! I looked at your Mommy, and thought, "I can't wait for you to be in her arms!"
This morning I woke up thinking about yesterday. This morning it hit me harder than any other day that I will be a father. In fact, this month I will have my first father's day!
So, you see, Shnodda-nas, I am VERY EXCITED, but I'm also a little scared. Being a father is so new to me. And I want to be so good for you. |
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